I hate that I judge myself by other people's standards. It just doesnt seem like I should be doing that, and I know it. But alas, it all falls that way. There is one thing that really gets me down though. The person I am closest to does not like it when I talk about my weight issues. They seem to think that just because I work out and eat right that I dont have problems with my weight and body image. When I do try to open up to them, they shut me down, saying I have nothing to complain about. 

Its just that sometimes, I want to talk about how I dont feel I am progressing correctly or something just isnt working how I feel it should be. It hurts when this person does not take the time to listen. It makes me feel worse about myself so I shove it all down deep inside. Has anyone else here run into this kind of problem? The problem just is not that I cant talk about my weight with this person, it is because of this that I feel that I cant share much with them. Dieting and fittness are such a big part of my life. 

I dont know. Sorry for the ramble but thank you for reading/listening.

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so nothing much has changed.
i'm still at 137-139lbs.
stopped taking herbalife.
since monday i've been on a 1300cal-a-day diet given to me by my nutritionist.
went to the gym yesterday.
felt so out of breath.
it's time for me to stop smoking.
again.
once i finish my little cute box.
i can only have 3 whiskey/mineral water drinks in one weekend.
that'll be a challenge.
i've been feeling pretty good this week.
my next appointment is on the 22.
a week from today.
hopefully i lost some weight.

h: 5'4
hw: 150lbs.
cw: 137-139lbs.
lw: 125lbs.
gw: 125lbs.
(  my face  )

friends are welcomed.

sw- 245 - 1st May

cw: 235 - as of today!!! 



im on my way bbyyyss ;) 


hope you all doing even better<33 

Hi guys, My name is Lilly and I really need some help here. I feel like I am at a loss. I am 23 and 6 feet tall but yesterday I weighed in at 160. I was at 150 for the longest time while doing strength training, which I love! I thought I was doing good, except for a few pigout nights here and there. But then I injured my foot and could not run or really continue to train for awhile so my muscles went a little south and it is starting to show. But now I am able to return to my workouts. However, I am having a hard time staying motivated. (seeing that number on the scale made me want to cry though.) No one I know is trying to diet and I am having a hard time with it on my own. My friends tell me that I look like Im in shape and all but they just dont see it. My weight is the one thing I know I can control and now I feel like I am out of control. I need to get back down 15 more pounds. This is getting ridiculous.

Stats
23/F
CW: 160
HW: 200
LW: 140
GW: 140 again.

 Wow i've had 3 red bulls today and no solid food

Let me throw up my guts. Please.
I feel them jolt upwards over and over. My mind tricks me into thinking, 'just one my time; this time . . . '
The shooting pains in particular are telling me to stop at the bile and small dark red blood clots.
But I say no. More.

So much more effective than cutting or burning or scratching. Tear at myself from the inside out.

I really dont deserve to live. Not when so many good people die. And not when I make this world so miserable for so many.

hi.

i'm going to try to recover. my life-style isn't healthy. actually i stopped this dangerous rollercoaster ride of self-harm on the 5th but i thought i'd make it official. so i'm going to be leaving all ana communities. but i'm not going to stop being friends with any anas (i still love you guys) and i'm not going to try an "fix" you or whatever cause i know thats something you need to figure out on your own. i'm still gonna sympathise when you binge on lays or ice-cream or whatever because even though i'm trying to be better now i recognise that we all have problems we need to overcome and we all have different ways of overcoming them. i dont think i'm better or worse than anyone else because i've decided to stop and i dont regret any friends i made from this whole thing. so to you and to Ana i bid farewell.

hoping i'l be getting support from you guys...if not; thats cool.
(i'm not deleting my comm...i couldn't doo that to them)

kisses to all...

i'm really gonna miss you guys and i know it isnt going to be easy...quitting. i still have to think about eating in the morning.i still have to stop myself from listing everything i ate today. i still have to stop myself thinking how many calories are in that traditional meal my maid cooked today. you know. i have to stop. i need to stop going "maybe if i didnt eat for two days" whenever i look down at my tummy in the shower...its not easy but its better than the hell i put myself through before...

 Ok well so far this weight lose thing has been going ok however i don't feel as if i'm really losing the weight although theres been some change. Also i think my mum sussed  that i haven't been eating and she made me drink a glass of milk last night. She hasn't been this full on with my eating since i went into hospital last year when i was diagnosed with ana. But i dont know what to do to make her think i'm eating.

I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it . . 
No actually more like I HAVE to do it . . . I HAVE to get it together . . . 
START FOSTERING CONSTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS AGAIN LIV YOU KNOW YOU CAN YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETE MOORON.
. . . dammmmnnnn just start making some good decisions again . . . STOP LISTENING to the voice saying you need the things that you want that are so fucking bad for you . . .

Get a grip! You must;
- ring K.F and L.V
- organise something with S.W and M.K
- actually book the MRI's and Xrays . . . you're falling apart!!! - and denial doesnt help!!!!!
- organise the working holiday UK&USA trip thoroughly
- meet up with R.G
- tell M.C to fuck off once and for all; delete his number and tell his brothers you want out of it all
- go out with D.M and G.R on wednesday
- no more drugs no more drugs no more drugs . . . after this week
- remember how to act all perfect and peaches'n'cream . . . some people need that facade from me

Hmmmm feels good to know what you want . . .
i.e. I know what I want and what I need for this week, and that is hunger pains hunger pains serious hunger pains . . . 
I miss my natural highs . . .
- nothing but gum, sugarfree drinks and coffee
- avoid purging at all costs . . . you're body cant handle anymore . . .
- do what needs to be done to fool your parents (but throw it up until you're coughing up bile)

Damn my mind is a whirlwind of contradictions . . .
My mind fucks me over so much these days . . and I fall for its crap everytime blah
Still seeing bugs everywhere and its fucking shitting me . . . I want to be able to trust my mind and ALL my senses again :(
I miss the days when I could actually reassure myself!

 

Weight Goal Stats

Current Weight Your weight is 242 lb as of 05/11/2008. Weight Goal Your goal is to weigh 145  lb by 10/02/2008 Goal Progress You are currently 97  lb above the target weight. The deadline for your goal is 144 days (20 weeks, 4 days) away. To meet your goal you need to lose about 4.72 lb per week.

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I joined the gym again today. Got a gold membership so I have unlimited access :D to the gym & to classes. Had a really good work out today. I'm gonna aim to go 3-4 times a week, and maybe do one or two classes also. There's a yoga class, although I can do that at home. But might get more motivation in a class full of others. There's also a weight training class.

So, today, successful so far.

( intake + exercise )

Not sure about calories burned. The cardio burned about 300cal but weight training helps you burn up to 800 cals post-workout. plus there was running around at work. I'd be surprised if I hadnt burned at least 1000 cal. I think an inactive person burns 1500 a day? So hopefully I've burned shit loads.

The sun is shining, I feel happy. And in control at last, about intake + exercise :)

X-posted.

So I am going to Wisconsin Dells on June 21st. Incase you don't know what it is.. It's like a Las Vegas for kids.. a huge strip of water parks!! there are even water parks in the hotels. There is no way I am getting outta wearing a bathing suit. So im freaking!! I need to lose 20 lbs in a lil over a month!!